a glob of nerd­ish­ness

Megalomania

published by natevw on

Some five and a half years ago, I proudly quit.

… AD/HD-addled brain … I’ve been wanting to start my own company … Out of all my ideas, only a handful seemed to have much feasibility or market potential …

I've been thinking, it's probably time to quit again.

I'm still occasionally haunted by visions of a world where my dream career works, but at the end of the day I simply pour/dribble/squeeze my last reserves of mental energy into a book, and then: I go to bed. I wake up, spend another day trying to work and another evening trying to give quality time to family. And I'm not going to invent TCP/IP, or build the Macintosh, or personally secure the unhosted web's victory over both Googorwellian AND iHuxleyan‎ oppression. I'm not going to change the world.

Sorry, I guess?

It'd be crazy to think it is God's will that I dent the universe. It'd be foolish to try just because some TED talk–type claims trying is humanity's only hope. And it's kinda pointless to feel guilty about letting myself down. It was me who picked a ridiculous goal, and I can't think of anyone else who needs (or even wants) me to stick with it.

So I quit. It's official. Nate is too old to joust with giant windmills, to put his body upon the gears and upon the wheels, to spend so much time on such great things that everyone lets him decide what deserves to exist for a while.

I don't have the time to capitalize or even Kickstarter any of "my ideas with market potential" (as if). I don't have the money to "start my own company". I don't have the energy…oh wait…I do have my AD/HD-addled brain and that seems in no danger of going away.

A year and a half ago I was wrestling with goals and a lot has changed since then but not that. Not the wrestling, nor the answer I hope to find at the end. And between now and then, tiny goals are all I really need. So I leave the LLC renewal form on my desk, to expire like I did once before, in self-pity then but in confidence now.

If I ever need a corporation again for some little thing, I know an operating agreement and some filing fees should be the least of my worries, and will be one of the smallest expenses. In the meantime, worrying about the big picture has been a big expense the last few weeks…and years. The more time I spend dreaming and trying to decide what to do with my life, to the point where I've conquered it with logic and can codify it into cute catchphrases or zen ramblings or even concrete plans of action, the more that stress wastes my energy and loses me money.

It's waaaay past 5 o'clock again. I quit, and I'm going home…I have a lot of meaningless work to catch up in the next week of my inconsequential life.

Which I no longer consider a problem.

Officially.

DO YOU HEAR ME BRAIN HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN LISTENING PAY ATTENTION AND DON'T LEAN YOUR CHAIR BACK LIKE THAT ONE MORE OUTBURST YOU WILL BE STAYING IN FOR RECESS

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